Poetry

Collapsed Universe

I didn’t know how to tell you
So I decided to write it down for you instead

I like you
I really do
But the truth is

I’m scared
Scared of liking you
Scared you might like me back

For what if we fall in love
Will it all happen again
The agony
The hurting

I’ve been loved before
Have someone mean the whole world to them
But then they tore that world down
Before I was ready to say goodbye

So I guess what I’m trying to say is
Be gentle with me
I may come off as strong and fierce
But you have to know
I’m only trying to survive
Trying to save myself from yet another dream being torn apart
Another universe collapsing before my eyes

I like you
I know that
I’ve tried to scare the feeling away
But they keep coming back
I’ve tried to run
Replace you with someone else
But you keep popping up everywhere

You like me
I see it in your eyes
The way you look at me
I don’t want to hurt you
Which is why I’m telling you this
For if I can’t be honest with you
If can’t be honest with myself
Then I will never heal

⁃ I want a universe to last

Poetry

Happy

So he makes me happy
What is so wrong with that

So he makes me smile
What is so wrong with that

So he makes me come
Does that mean I should stop

Do I have to be certain of the future
In order to see him in my present
Do I have to know the answer to everything

Isn’t it enough that I feel more alive
Than I have for months

That I look up into the clouds and see the sun
Instead on looking down and seeing darkness

Sometimes it’s as simple as that
It doesn’t have to be complicated
In order to be worth it

Doesn’t have to make you sad
Before you can be happy

⁃ Being with you makes me happy

Poetry

Feelings

Don’t get any feelings
I told myself as he caressed my hand

Don’t get any feeling
I told myself as we talked about the past
The ups and downs
The memories

Don’t get any feelings
He told me when I wanted to hold his hand
To feel him close to me like I did the night before

Don’t get any feelings
I thought as I laid in bed next to him
Feeling his warm breath on my neck
Thinking about yet another goodbye

Don’t get any feelings I mumbled when I got on the plane
Leaving you behind
Without any feelings

⁃ It didn’t work

Poetry

Infatuation

Do you ever get so infatuated with someone
That even their name turns you on

That even though you know
It will never happen
You can’t help trying
You know the outcome and
It doesn’t look good
But he does

What ever he does
Makes you flinch
Makes you fantasize about touching those fingers
One at the time
Kissing those lips
Soft at first
Then passionately

Saying your name out loud is a new found hobby of mine
I find odd pleasure in pretending I’m yours and you’re mine
Feeling each syllable leave my tongue and fall neatly off my open lips
The lips you close in on
Your eyes lock in mine
You smile and say
“Tell me what you’re thinking about”

You, I think
Always you
But I keep quiet
And simply say my favorite words

– I never knew a name could be my favorite word

Poetry

Giggly

How can you make me feel so nervous
Like I’ve got nothing to say
Everything I say sounds silly
Giggly
And childish

I want to make you smile
Make you run away
And never look back

That way I won’t fall in love again
Won’t get disappointed
Won’t have my heart broken again

But what if I didn’t
What if I actually tried
And showed you the real me

Not the pink haired unicorn girly-girl
The vulnerable quiet insecure one
The one I rarely show the world

For it is easier to put on a show
Than allow others to hurt and judge you

Easier playing the fool
Than who we really are

For what if someone see you
And doesn’t like you

⁃ I really don’t want to fuck this up

Poetry

Jazzy feeling

I loved you like I love an old jazz song

That cozy feeling of familiar is surrounding me

We sing and smile like we’ve felt this way forever

Nothing out of the ordinary

 

We fell apart like the sound of crashing waves

Beautiful from afar but threatening up close

We fall at times when we want to stand

I know this
for this is me

We summon the wrong things at the wrong time

I feel bad for you

For you will never get this again

Never feel my breath on your skin or my love in your heart

 

I smile remembering it all

I cry trying to forget it

– That jazzy feeling