Karoline's Blog

Different types of sex

Sex is great.
Sex is hot.
Sex is fun.
Sex is so many things.

Here are the types of sex I’ve discovered in my 24 years.

  • The first time

Nervous, sweaty hands, not sure where to look or where to hold. The first time is always special. Not only the “first” first time, but also the first time with someone new. Madonna really was right when she sang “Like A Virgin”. It can make or break a relationship. Let’s be honest.
Bonus fact: And no, a one-night-stand doesn’t count as a “first time”. It lacks the build-up and anticipation.

  • The fast one

You have to be somewhere in 10 minutes, but you simply can’t stop yourself. The excitement is taking over and the ticking clock is turning you on. Nothing like a quickie to brighten up your day. And cheeks. Don’t worry you red face will be back to normal soon. Just cross your fingers, it’s before you enter your grandma’s house.

  • The loving one

My favorite. Or actually, wait I’m not sure which one is my favorite. But let me just say… I thought this was only possible with someone you love. But I guess love can be faked for one night, just like sex can be faked forever. The tender looks, soft touches, loooooong foreplay, sweet kisses planted on every inch of your body. And don’t forget the staring into each other’s eyes as if they hold the manuscript to the last Star Wars movie. Or the secrets of the world. Whatever you want to find, it’s right there in your lover’s eyes, which is why it’s impossible for you to look away. Ahh so cute.

  • Sex with your ex 

It can be fun. It can bring back great memories. But what’s the worst it can bring you other than STD’s. Yes. Feelings. That’s the thing about sex. Or feelings. No matter how far you run, they’re always going to come creeping up on you. Telling you, that you need them. That you won’t be happy without them. Actually, add exes to this metaphor. Anyway, I’m not saying don’t do it. It might make you realize you don’t actually want them anymore or that you do. It’s quite an eye-opening experience. Just guard your heart.

  • The sweaty one

Hot-hot-hot sweat, dripping down my back. No need to go to the gym the day after. This is all the workout you need. And might I add a tad bit more fun than the treadmill or spinning class. You’re being thrown around /or throwing them around, whatever you want. The limps get lost. Breathing is closing in. It seems like this night/bed/ morning is never ending and it feels goooood. Remember to have a great soundtrack for these kinds of encounters.

  • The last time

Ouch. You know it’s the last time. Either you just broke it off or one of you is leaving the country for (basically) ever. This one hurts. But in a good way. You try to memorize all the little things in your head. (cliché coming) Take mental pictures for a rainy day (Can’t say I didn’t warn you). You grip tightly thinking that it will change faith, but nothing can. It’s a beautiful, tragic mess.

  • The one before you say I love you

The words are almost falling out over your lips without you opening them. Your eyes are screaming it, but thankfully it doesn’t count, till you actually say those three little words out loud. It’s a bit more desperate and memorable than just any loving sex. It the big one before the big speech. Who will say it first? Will they say it back? Will this be our last time. Oh god. Too much pressure to handle.

  • The one before you break up

It’s in the air. You’ve felt it around. This isn’t going to last long and with long I mean the end of the night. But before you say THOSE words out loud you might as well get something out of it. So you have sex. Not exactly angry sex, or sad sex. Just a raging, agressive, sexy sexy kind of sex. Cuz who cares anymore. You’re going to break it off anyway. It might be the best you ever had, but don’t let that fool you into not breaking up. Just enjoy it while you have it.

  • The outdoors one

Uhh. Scary and thrilling. Not the best sex necessarily, but it’ll be great for when you play “Never Have I Ever” with your friends. And it is quite sexy/terrifying thinking you might get caught at any moment. But you do it anyway. Remember that this comes in many different forms. Beach, sand, public toilet, forest, pool, bar table somewhere on a what you thought was an abandoned bar in Cambodia. At least that’s what my friend told me…

  • The one night stand

I’ve recently started a study in this particular one. I realized I didn’t have enough facts to talk about it and boy let’s just say we changed that. So now I am a somewhat expect. Proud of it or not, I will claim that title. So these ones vary as well. But one thing is true for all of them. They will never feel as good as when you’re with someone you love.
Now that we got that out of the way, let me just say it can be quite fun, very awkward, super impersonal, empowering and almost romantic. The one night stand can be exactly what you want it to be. It can lead you to hours of self-hate if you let it. Or allow you to write hot steamy novels or sweet loving poetry. You wear the pants in this one.

  • The impersonal one

Hi.
Hi.
You’ve barely introduced each other before the clothes are off and bam then you’re done. Sure it was nice and all. But not for me. Call me needy, but I quite like the whole personal aspect of sex. But who am I to judge. I’m sure a lot of people prefer this one. Less messy with way fewer feelings. If you don’t have their number, how can you drunk dial them? Right?

  • The sex-buddy

Fun. Easy. If there truly are no feelings involved it’s the perfect fit. Best buddies. Best way to blow off steam without getting involved with someone. No meeting the parents. No arguments. Just sex. Untill you know. One of you gets feelings…

 

Now go out there my young ones.
And enjoy it.
Experience your own types of sex.
Have fun!
I know I will.

Poetry

Giggly

How can you make me feel so nervous

Like I’ve got nothing to say

Like all I say is silly

Giggly

And childish

I want to make you smile

Make you run away

And never look back

That way I won’t fall in love again

Won’t get disappointed

Won’t have my heart broken again

But what if I didn’t

What if I actually tried

And showed you the real me

Not the pink haired unicorn girly-girl

The vulnerable quiet insecure one

The one I rarely show the world

For it is easier to put on a show

Than allow others to hurt and judge you

Easier playing the fool

Than who we really are

For what if someone see you

And doesn’t like you

⁃ I really don’t want to fuck this up

Karoline's Blog, Uncategorized

Is a date just a flirty job interview? 

Is a date just a flirty job interview?

“Hi my name is Karoline and I would like to apply for the title as your future girlfriend.
Here is my resumé and background….
Omg I also love to travel! What are the odds?”

Pretty damn high if I’m honest.

I’ve never really been a big dater. The sort of girl who go on many dates. I sorta believe in this thing called faith. When its time the universe will guide me to “the one”.
Or “the next one” before “the one”.

All my previous relationships have happened random. A meet cute, a friend of a friend, a summer vacation etc. Nothing was forced or planned. It was just sort of there.

Today I went on my 6th Tinder date…  I’m neither against nor for the app. Loads of people have found exactly what they wanted to find, that being love or lust.
I suppose I’m just a wee bit romantic and telling my future kids how we met would be a boring story.  “He was pretty hot” or “I sent him a dirty GIF.” And seeing that I’m a storyteller that really won’t do now, will it.

No…
I want the story.

I want the full on “How I met your dad” story:

“It was a cold night in the middle of Serbia. Then out of nowhere there, he was. Your Dad. So handsome. Sitting on a white horse wearing a leather jacket. Hawt….
And then he killed the wolf and saved the village…..
We’re been together ever since.” (insert audience going awww)
– kinda story.

Is that too much to ask?

Well, unfortunately, my friends, family, and hormones are not willing to wait any longer for this great wolf warrior to come along and save me.
Hence Tinder…

I mean if you want to find love in this modern digital world you have to use apps.
At least that’s what everybody keeps telling me.
So I try, give up, delete it, try again and round and round we go.

But today I ended up doing what normal people, looking for love, do. I went on a date.
Maybe I’ve been out of it for too long or had given up beforehand, but it was not a raving success. Sorry to kill your vibe.

I have a weird sort of sixth sense. I know right away, some might say instantly, if a guy is going to play a part in my life.
I know instantly if I like him.

And here I knew it instantly. This is not it. I think he knew it too. There’s nothing wrong with it and its no one’s fault. It’s better to find out right away. We’re all looking for the spark and you can’t really feel if it’s there through text.
In some cases, yeah sure you can. You can tell if you’ll have fun on the date etc.
But that magical spark I’m talking about.
You have to meet.
Have to look them in the eyes.
Hear their voice.
Feel their personality.

Now, what do you do, when you both know it’s not there. Do you just excuse yourself and run off.
No. We’re far too polite to do that. So we do the flirty job interview. You may not actually be flirting, but it just means that you keep the conversation light and “sexy” enough so you’re both reminded that this indeed isn’t a job interview. That the purpose of this meeting was originally to end the day with a kiss. Not a handshake.

We walk and talk. Ask politely about his interest and family. All the while knowing you will never see this person again. Not because they’re not a nice person. Just because they didn’t fit the description you had in mind. The job description.

So what have I learned from this tame date. Not a lot to be honest. ‘Cause even if we had been texting for 3 weeks, this might still have happened.
Feelings are a funny thing. No one quite understands them.

So I’m just going to continue walking around, going on flirty job interviews until my wolf warrior comes along and sweeps me off the ground.

But I will be patient for faith has a great way of surprising us. And we love her for it.
I will be ready for that perfect love to hit me like the bus hit Georgina in Mean Girls.

Fast, hard and uncontrollably.

Because that’s what love is. A beautiful mess.

Much love Karoline

 

 

 

 

Poetry

Honest

29 august 2018

If I could be honest with you
I’d tell you I miss you
Tell you I wish we were back in each other’s arms
Everything was much easier back then
But admitting that to your face would be like admitting I regret the ending
But I don’t
We needed that time apart to find our true selves
Figure out who we are
Figure out who we wanted to be

If I had the courage I would tell you I miss you
Tell you I miss the sense of comfort and belonging that you gave to me

You were my first
First heartbreak
First love

If you were in front of me I would walk closer to you
Look into your eyes
The eyes I know so well
The eyes that make me weak

I would tell you I love you
Tell you I’d never let you go again
But this won’t happen
You are not here
And I am not brave enough
Just naive

Poetry

Love or loneliness

19 August 00:40

People always talk about love or lust
But what about love or loneliness
Do we ever just stay with someone just because we’re scared to be alone
For the comfort?

You know when it’s love
You know when you can’t stop feeling the sparks flying and the bobbles flowing

But what if it’s just not happening
Something is not right
But you stay with them because it’s better than not having someone there
Better than sleeping alone all those night

Comfort is a nice place but also a scary one
You quickly get used to it and it’s really hard to get out of

Suddenly you start mistaking comfort and safety with love

Suddenly you can’t picture your life without that someone next to you
simply because you like the warm breath on your neck

It could be anybody
It just happened to be you ’cause I got tired of looking
Got sick of the game before I made it till the end
So I stopped a halfway
and tricked myself into believing
I had won first prize

But I didn’t

Suddenly one day you wake up
and realize you stayed for all the wrong reasons

For the touch
the kind words
the attention
the eagerness
the accessory
the role

But it’s not him
You can’t fake love
You can’t fake real feelings

Lust is easy to fake
Comfort is hard to find

But love it forever and once you find it you’ll know it

– I don’t want to fall in love with comfort

Karoline's Blog

Pictures on Tinder

I have horrible taste in men. I’m just saying. As I sit here, wasting my time away by swipes my finger from side to side, I’ve started to notice a pattern.
We’re all the same.
We judge people based on 2-3 carefully chosen profile pictures and then have an idea what that person is like.
Gosh, it’s tiring.

But I might as well get something useful out of all the millions of hours I have spent thinking the next swipe will be the one.

So here are some typical Tinder pictures (for guys) and what they actually mean:

  • The baby picture

“I promise I don’t have a baby, but now you know I’m capable of holding one and isn’t that damn adorable. Doesn’t that make me more f***able?” Sure… Well done. But if I read ” not my baby” one more time I’m deleting the app (just kidding I need love in my life and this is the only one I can use in my bed, while eating icecream).
And if you do have a baby then please let me know before we go out, so I can put that into my specific love equation that lets me know if we belong together or not.

  • Surfboard
  1. Look at my hot body
  2. Look at my hot body holding this hot surfboard
  3. Imagine me surfing
  4. Are you imagining a hot Australian guy like Chris Hemsworth.
  5. Now close your eyes and think of him while we…

I mean… It’s cool. It’s hot. If you actually know how to work it and don’t fall off, I’m in.

  • Selfie

Please no. All I’m imagining is you, alone, in your room, trying 6 different poses to get that selfie just right… Nah

  • Animals

Here I want to highlight the grant amount of cute doggy and kitty pictures that float around Tinder and other social media love apps. It’s cute. Especially since you KNOW we will give you a like SIMPLY because it would be downright RUDE to turn down such an amazingly cute animal. I have no idea what the guy in the pictures looks like but GOSH you found a cute animal to take a picture with (because most of them aren’t yours anyway)

  • Jumping in front of cool travel spots

Wow, you travel. Welcome to 2018. Everybody’s been to Thailand. Go to the moon and I’ll be impressed. Or better yet go to Wisconsin (no offense to Wisconsin it just has a nice ring to the name and I’m not sure it’s a huge Instagram spot if it is I’m sorry).

  • Musical instruments

Aka. the guitar. Aka. wanna hear me play John Mayer? DO I???!? If you actually play the guitar (like the surfboard) that’s hot. If you’re trying to fake who you are, just don’t. I’ll find out sooner or later anyway.

  • The funny note

Finally! Some personality! I want to know who YOU are, not the Tinder robot you created while dreaming of all the hot girls this profile will get you. Be weird, be sassy, be ironic (again I have to warn you I do tend to have a weird taste in men so this may not apply to you all).

  • The “oh look I wear glasses sometimes” picture

“I can be hot. And sexy. And nerdy. Anything you want.” *****WARNING**** Major fetish reveal coming up… I love glasses. Those big nerdy hipster, spiderman, superman all man glasses. So please don’t think this is a bad thing. Also… you know once the glasses come off…

And last but not least. This is not a picture I know that but gosh. The importance and difference it makes must not to be forgotten…

  • The profile text

YAS! If you can write a good, original, funny, somewhat creepy in a charming way profile text then I am yours. All the previous judgments and assumptions I had about you before. POOF evaporates. Just like that. You must be a BLAST to hang out with and I will do my best to consider it before I after 15 minutes of swiping decide that love is hopeless and I should just buy a cat or a turtle.. Where was I? Oh yeah. If you can catch me in those 15 minutes of love and hope, WOW well done you!

So yeah. I guess that was it for me.
Now I can go back to stare at strangers I will never meet, but perhaps one day will marry. What a great world we live in.

Till next time.

Ps. I have no idea who that guy in the picture is. Is was the first thing to come up when I googled Tinder pictures. Sorry handsome but unknown fellow. This isn’t pointed at you I promise.

Poetry

Jazzy feeling

I loved you like I love an old jazz song

That cozy feeling of familiar is surrounding me

We sing and smile like we’ve felt this way forever

Nothing out of the ordinary

 

We fell apart like the sound of crashing waves

Beautiful from afar but threatening up close

We fall at times when we want to stand

I know this
for this is me

We summon the wrong things at the wrong time

I feel bad for you

For you will never get this again

Never feel my breath on your skin or my love in your heart

 

I smile remembering it all

I cry trying to forget it

– That jazzy feeling