Poetry

Patterns

Patterns
The way I look down when I’m hurt

Same stories
The way you forget my feelings

Hands
The way I fumble with my fingers
Trying to make the pain go away

Burning eyes
I blink my eyes fast
And faster
Trying to make the hurt disappear

Force it to stay bottled up
For I can’t let you see the sorrow I feel inside
Can’t let you see my emotions

I don’t want to be vulnerable
Sensitive
I want to be strong

To keep the difficult feelings away
So I find the lid I foolishly took off
Attach it
Nice and tightly

Put a sticker on top saying
“Remember last time”
And put the bottle away

Where nobody can find it
And even if they do
I won’t open it for them

For I remember what happened today

⁃ I don’t want to hurt anymore

Poetry

Even though

Even though I ended it
It still hurts to see your face in the crowd
To say hi as if nothing has changed

Even though I told you we’re through
I still get the lingering feeling of regret
As if I somehow made the wrong decision

Even though I know we don’t belong together
I sometimes wish that we did
It would make life much easier

Even though I’m standing strong before you
I hope you know
That deep down there’s a hurt girl
Who just want you to hold her
And tell her it will all be fine

⁃ I wish I could talk to you but I can’t

Poetry

Collapsed Universe

I didn’t know how to tell you
So I decided to write it down for you instead

I like you
I really do
But the truth is

I’m scared
Scared of liking you
Scared you might like me back

For what if we fall in love
Will it all happen again
The agony
The hurting

I’ve been loved before
Have someone mean the whole world to them
But then they tore that world down
Before I was ready to say goodbye

So I guess what I’m trying to say is
Be gentle with me
I may come off as strong and fierce
But you have to know
I’m only trying to survive
Trying to save myself from yet another dream being torn apart
Another universe collapsing before my eyes

I like you
I know that
I’ve tried to scare the feeling away
But they keep coming back
I’ve tried to run
Replace you with someone else
But you keep popping up everywhere

You like me
I see it in your eyes
The way you look at me
I don’t want to hurt you
Which is why I’m telling you this
For if I can’t be honest with you
If can’t be honest with myself
Then I will never heal

⁃ I want a universe to last

Poetry

Chasing the unreachable

I like the idea of belonging to someone
Have someone to tell my secrets to
Share my worries

I have spent enough time
Chasing the unreachable
Every time I got close
They would move further away

It’s exciting
Exhilarating
And exhausting

So I’m done

With you, I feel comfortable
Close
Clean
As if all my previous mistakes have been washed away
For a new shiny slate

A new story just for me to fuck up

I hope I don’t
I truly hope I don’t let my thoughts and doubts
Get the best of me
They usually do

But wouldn’t it be nice
If just for once
I let someone be nice to me

I let someone treat me well

⁃ I want to deserve you

Poetry

Jazzy feeling

I loved you like I love an old jazz song

That cozy feeling of familiar is surrounding me

We sing and smile like we’ve felt this way forever

Nothing out of the ordinary

 

We fell apart like the sound of crashing waves

Beautiful from afar but threatening up close

We fall at times when we want to stand

I know this
for this is me

We summon the wrong things at the wrong time

I feel bad for you

For you will never get this again

Never feel my breath on your skin or my love in your heart

 

I smile remembering it all

I cry trying to forget it

– That jazzy feeling

Poetry

Dreams

I dream of lying close to you
Feeling your breath on my skin
The feeling of belonging and safety will return to my body

I dream of telling my mom about you
And showing her my affections for you
The last time I miscalculated

I dream of being the one you dream of all through the lonely nights
To be the one you want to hold tight and be yours for the saving

I dream that this dream will not remain a dream but someday turn into reality

I wish so hard that tears are falling from my eyes showing the gods how much I care

Could this be a new muse
Could this be the end of you?
And the return of my old self

Oh how I wish and pray and dream.

I dream this dream will someday come true

Poetry, Written Words

Warmth

I need a warm body to get me through this cold winter
I feel the breeze inside my body and need you to scare it away

Tea no longer helps. It’s artificial warmth and I need the real deal
With you close to my body I will get the necessary heat to stay alive

Tonight it is especially cold
Tonight it is especially lonely
Warmth is not just about the temperature
It’s about the sensation and atmosphere in the room

The electricity between us roasts the room allowing it to kept this pleasant temperature
These sparks set the room on fire without the need of extinguishers.

It’s just us
But its fake
For you are no here
Nobody is except me

Here I lie freezing, dreaming of warmer times
Fantasizing about strange bodies

Hopefully one day soon I won’t need to think these thoughts anymore.

For you will be here warming me up.