Karoline's Blog

Different types of sex

Sex is great.
Sex is hot.
Sex is fun.
Sex is so many things.

Here are the types of sex I’ve discovered in my 24 years.

  • The first time

Nervous, sweaty hands, not sure where to look or where to hold. The first time is always special. Not only the “first” first time, but also the first time with someone new. Madonna really was right when she sang “Like A Virgin”. It can make or break a relationship. Let’s be honest.
Bonus fact: And no, a one-night-stand doesn’t count as a “first time”. It lacks the build-up and anticipation.

  • The fast one

You have to be somewhere in 10 minutes, but you simply can’t stop yourself. The excitement is taking over and the ticking clock is turning you on. Nothing like a quickie to brighten up your day. And cheeks. Don’t worry you red face will be back to normal soon. Just cross your fingers, it’s before you enter your grandma’s house.

  • The loving one

My favorite. Or actually, wait I’m not sure which one is my favorite. But let me just say… I thought this was only possible with someone you love. But I guess love can be faked for one night, just like sex can be faked forever. The tender looks, soft touches, loooooong foreplay, sweet kisses planted on every inch of your body. And don’t forget the staring into each other’s eyes as if they hold the manuscript to the last Star Wars movie. Or the secrets of the world. Whatever you want to find, it’s right there in your lover’s eyes, which is why it’s impossible for you to look away. Ahh so cute.

  • Sex with your ex 

It can be fun. It can bring back great memories. But what’s the worst it can bring you other than STD’s. Yes. Feelings. That’s the thing about sex. Or feelings. No matter how far you run, they’re always going to come creeping up on you. Telling you, that you need them. That you won’t be happy without them. Actually, add exes to this metaphor. Anyway, I’m not saying don’t do it. It might make you realize you don’t actually want them anymore or that you do. It’s quite an eye-opening experience. Just guard your heart.

  • The sweaty one

Hot-hot-hot sweat, dripping down my back. No need to go to the gym the day after. This is all the workout you need. And might I add a tad bit more fun than the treadmill or spinning class. You’re being thrown around /or throwing them around, whatever you want. The limps get lost. Breathing is closing in. It seems like this night/bed/ morning is never ending and it feels goooood. Remember to have a great soundtrack for these kinds of encounters.

  • The last time

Ouch. You know it’s the last time. Either you just broke it off or one of you is leaving the country for (basically) ever. This one hurts. But in a good way. You try to memorize all the little things in your head. (cliché coming) Take mental pictures for a rainy day (Can’t say I didn’t warn you). You grip tightly thinking that it will change faith, but nothing can. It’s a beautiful, tragic mess.

  • The one before you say I love you

The words are almost falling out over your lips without you opening them. Your eyes are screaming it, but thankfully it doesn’t count, till you actually say those three little words out loud. It’s a bit more desperate and memorable than just any loving sex. It the big one before the big speech. Who will say it first? Will they say it back? Will this be our last time. Oh god. Too much pressure to handle.

  • The one before you break up

It’s in the air. You’ve felt it around. This isn’t going to last long and with long I mean the end of the night. But before you say THOSE words out loud you might as well get something out of it. So you have sex. Not exactly angry sex, or sad sex. Just a raging, agressive, sexy sexy kind of sex. Cuz who cares anymore. You’re going to break it off anyway. It might be the best you ever had, but don’t let that fool you into not breaking up. Just enjoy it while you have it.

  • The outdoors one

Uhh. Scary and thrilling. Not the best sex necessarily, but it’ll be great for when you play “Never Have I Ever” with your friends. And it is quite sexy/terrifying thinking you might get caught at any moment. But you do it anyway. Remember that this comes in many different forms. Beach, sand, public toilet, forest, pool, bar table somewhere on a what you thought was an abandoned bar in Cambodia. At least that’s what my friend told me…

  • The one night stand

I’ve recently started a study in this particular one. I realized I didn’t have enough facts to talk about it and boy let’s just say we changed that. So now I am a somewhat expect. Proud of it or not, I will claim that title. So these ones vary as well. But one thing is true for all of them. They will never feel as good as when you’re with someone you love.
Now that we got that out of the way, let me just say it can be quite fun, very awkward, super impersonal, empowering and almost romantic. The one night stand can be exactly what you want it to be. It can lead you to hours of self-hate if you let it. Or allow you to write hot steamy novels or sweet loving poetry. You wear the pants in this one.

  • The impersonal one

Hi.
Hi.
You’ve barely introduced each other before the clothes are off and bam then you’re done. Sure it was nice and all. But not for me. Call me needy, but I quite like the whole personal aspect of sex. But who am I to judge. I’m sure a lot of people prefer this one. Less messy with way fewer feelings. If you don’t have their number, how can you drunk dial them? Right?

  • The sex-buddy

Fun. Easy. If there truly are no feelings involved it’s the perfect fit. Best buddies. Best way to blow off steam without getting involved with someone. No meeting the parents. No arguments. Just sex. Untill you know. One of you gets feelings…

 

Now go out there my young ones.
And enjoy it.
Experience your own types of sex.
Have fun!
I know I will.

Blog, Karoline's Blog

What I want for Christmas and what it really means

Hi, everyone and happy early Christmas.
What a beautiful time we’re heading towards and let me just tell you. I can’t wait.

I’m always running late on handing over my wish-list so this year I thought I would fake my “adulthoodness” and finish it before 20th December.

I’m just going to warn you. I started this post off thinking it would be fun and cute. But it’s going to be pretty damn deep. Just warning you, so you can’t say at the end that I totally killed your buzz, cuz I most definitely will. And it will be honest. I’m not even sure if I’m confident enough to actually post it. But I mean I published a whole poetry collection with my deepest diary thoughts about love, so I don’t really think I have anything to hide anymore.

Stuff I want for Christmas:

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1 . A salt and pepper set

This is going to sound sorta sad. But I’ve had the same salt set (I broke the pepper) for 4 years. Ever since I moved away from home actually. I guess I never really thought about me not having a smart handy pepper for my guest. And I always thought my salt was cute and funny. Let me explain. My salt is an ugly ceramic thing I painted on when I was about 8. It has a sun, fish, and clouds on it. And trust me when I say this. I do not have any talents in the drawing area.

What this really means: Maybe it’s time to grow up. I am 24 years old, have a full-time job, but still choose to live like a student. Treat yourself and get a NICE set of salt and pepper. In reality, I’ll prob end up buying a cute panda hugging set, but you know. Small steps and all that!

2. Update to my CD collection

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I collect CDs and I’m proud of that. But is that the truth? I used to collect them and spend a LOT of money on it. Now it’s much easier just putting on Spotify and it’s free. But come on Karoline. It’s your passion. It’s their passion! You should support them(the artists). This may also have something to do with my laziness in trying to find new cool music. The truth is I’ve gotten old and grew and prefer to listen to the same 4 CDs on replay. BORING! Life is about trying new things and finding a new soundtrack to your life. Now go on!

What this really means: Don’t get stuck just because you’re getting older. Sure you know what you like now and have a twisted idea that life is supposed to get boring and full of routines. But who says that has to be true for you. And also buy the CDs otherwise your collection is a shitty one!

3. Personal cleaner and maid, who will fix my life and also make delicious food

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Hmm. That sure sounds nice. Can you imagine never having to clean up your own mess anymore? Not having to cook scrambled egg’s for the fifth time this week, but eat proper food and actually have a plan for the day. Well. I guess Santa can’t really help me with this. This is on me. So just do it. Put on your new CD and get to work. Learn how to make proper food, get into a habit of putting things in their spot right away and perhaps one day you don’t even need a maid.

What this really means: I’m sick of living like a homeless person. JK. No, but really. I need to “adult it up” again and start making smart choices. That means NOT having a bombed room 5/7 days and freaking out about my life. Wait that wasn’t even in there. Guess I just wanted to add it to the list. It might also just mean that I miss my mom.

4. Noah Centineo

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I guess this one is quite obvious. Have you seen him! Gorgeous. But in all seriousness. How many Christmas songs have been written about dreaming of a one night stand. Or fantasizing about the hot guy at the bar, whom you don’t remember the day after. The emotionally unavailable guy who texts you 1-3 times a week depending on his mood. The 45 poses and outfits to get that PERFECT Insta-post, just so he will remember you’re alive. Nope. It’s not all that it’s made out to be. I want the Michael Bublé, Mistletoe, Santa Tell Me -kinda love. The one where you know exactly what to get them for Christmas (not a perfume or cologne, but something so creepily cute and romantic all at the same time). And I wouldn’t mind if that someone happens to be Noah.

What this really means: Do I really have to explain it to you? It’s cold. I’m bored. I want someone whom I actually like, to sit next to me, hold my hand and watch Love Actually three times in a row. That’s the dream.

5. More money for heating

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This can be split into two. I want more money (aka. I want to spend less). I am FREEZING in my apartment. Not quite such a big metaphor but then again kinda. You can make everything into a metaphor. So… Money! Money on my mind. (Hi Sam Smith). I guess we all want this. But I want to find that HUGE black hole where all my money seems to vanish (probably the same place where all the guys I like are hiding). So I want to feel in control and understand my actions ect. ect. And maybe turn up the heating a bit.

What this really means: Stop spending your money on shitty crappy stuff that you don’t need or want. Also, monitor your purchases so you don’t end up feeling bad. Don’t avoid logging into your bank account. The money will be gone either way. Own up to your mistakes and do something about it.

I think that was it for now.

I’ll probably come up with much better wishes later, but here you go. Maybe you’ll get inspired by my great Christmas list!

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Karoline's Blog, Uncategorized

Is a date just a flirty job interview? 

Is a date just a flirty job interview?

“Hi my name is Karoline and I would like to apply for the title as your future girlfriend.
Here is my resumé and background….
Omg I also love to travel! What are the odds?”

Pretty damn high if I’m honest.

I’ve never really been a big dater. The sort of girl who go on many dates. I sorta believe in this thing called faith. When its time the universe will guide me to “the one”.
Or “the next one” before “the one”.

All my previous relationships have happened random. A meet cute, a friend of a friend, a summer vacation etc. Nothing was forced or planned. It was just sort of there.

Today I went on my 6th Tinder date…  I’m neither against nor for the app. Loads of people have found exactly what they wanted to find, that being love or lust.
I suppose I’m just a wee bit romantic and telling my future kids how we met would be a boring story.  “He was pretty hot” or “I sent him a dirty GIF.” And seeing that I’m a storyteller that really won’t do now, will it.

No…
I want the story.

I want the full on “How I met your dad” story:

“It was a cold night in the middle of Serbia. Then out of nowhere there, he was. Your Dad. So handsome. Sitting on a white horse wearing a leather jacket. Hawt….
And then he killed the wolf and saved the village…..
We’re been together ever since.” (insert audience going awww)
– kinda story.

Is that too much to ask?

Well, unfortunately, my friends, family, and hormones are not willing to wait any longer for this great wolf warrior to come along and save me.
Hence Tinder…

I mean if you want to find love in this modern digital world you have to use apps.
At least that’s what everybody keeps telling me.
So I try, give up, delete it, try again and round and round we go.

But today I ended up doing what normal people, looking for love, do. I went on a date.
Maybe I’ve been out of it for too long or had given up beforehand, but it was not a raving success. Sorry to kill your vibe.

I have a weird sort of sixth sense. I know right away, some might say instantly, if a guy is going to play a part in my life.
I know instantly if I like him.

And here I knew it instantly. This is not it. I think he knew it too. There’s nothing wrong with it and its no one’s fault. It’s better to find out right away. We’re all looking for the spark and you can’t really feel if it’s there through text.
In some cases, yeah sure you can. You can tell if you’ll have fun on the date etc.
But that magical spark I’m talking about.
You have to meet.
Have to look them in the eyes.
Hear their voice.
Feel their personality.

Now, what do you do, when you both know it’s not there. Do you just excuse yourself and run off.
No. We’re far too polite to do that. So we do the flirty job interview. You may not actually be flirting, but it just means that you keep the conversation light and “sexy” enough so you’re both reminded that this indeed isn’t a job interview. That the purpose of this meeting was originally to end the day with a kiss. Not a handshake.

We walk and talk. Ask politely about his interest and family. All the while knowing you will never see this person again. Not because they’re not a nice person. Just because they didn’t fit the description you had in mind. The job description.

So what have I learned from this tame date. Not a lot to be honest. ‘Cause even if we had been texting for 3 weeks, this might still have happened.
Feelings are a funny thing. No one quite understands them.

So I’m just going to continue walking around, going on flirty job interviews until my wolf warrior comes along and sweeps me off the ground.

But I will be patient for faith has a great way of surprising us. And we love her for it.
I will be ready for that perfect love to hit me like the bus hit Georgina in Mean Girls.

Fast, hard and uncontrollably.

Because that’s what love is. A beautiful mess.

Much love Karoline

 

 

 

 

Poetry

Dear Facebook

Dear Facebook
Yes it’s me
I’m still alive.

No, I didn’t run away with a Japanese guy
No, I didn’t show you all the amazing things I saw in Japan
I didn’t even tell you I went to Japan

I let you all down
Made you worry
Some of you even called
to ask if I was okay?
If I had a good vacation?

If I’m being honest I just needed a break
I needed a break from being social
So I could actually be social
So I could join the real world

I know you are suppose to write
a big post about it
and tell you all the things
I hate about modern society
and our lack of social skills

But to be honest I was just tired

Tired of wasting my time and regretting it
Tired of thinking about what other people might think
Tired of living my life for someone else

So I didn’t
I just lived and smiled
It wasn’t groundbreaking or revolutionary
I didn’t do it to inspire or preach
I just did it because I felt like it

And when I feel like returning to the online social society
I will
Just like that

Poetry

Twenty four

I guess I thought life would be different at twenty four
That I wouldn’t wake up with the smell of wine stuck between my teeth

That I would have gotten sick of kissing strangers
Sick of thinking of the same old love
Sick of regretting the same things

Twenty four seemed like the age I would have my life together
Would know my goals and aim for them
Clean my room and always take out the trash

Always wear high heels for birthdays
Always look my best
But I feel just like I did at nineteen
And twenty two

Feel confused and tired and tipsy
Horny but looking for love
Late but running for the train
The train to adulthood

I can still catch it if I just wear an unstained dress
If I just pick one solid guy and make myself fall for him
If I just choose one job career and pull through
even though I hate every minute of it

Then maybe I will someday reach that famous next level
Maybe then I won’t think twenty four is that bad
Maybe I will think back at it and smile.

Karoline's Blog

Pictures on Tinder

I have horrible taste in men. I’m just saying. As I sit here, wasting my time away by swipes my finger from side to side, I’ve started to notice a pattern.
We’re all the same.
We judge people based on 2-3 carefully chosen profile pictures and then have an idea what that person is like.
Gosh, it’s tiring.

But I might as well get something useful out of all the millions of hours I have spent thinking the next swipe will be the one.

So here are some typical Tinder pictures (for guys) and what they actually mean:

  • The baby picture

“I promise I don’t have a baby, but now you know I’m capable of holding one and isn’t that damn adorable. Doesn’t that make me more f***able?” Sure… Well done. But if I read ” not my baby” one more time I’m deleting the app (just kidding I need love in my life and this is the only one I can use in my bed, while eating icecream).
And if you do have a baby then please let me know before we go out, so I can put that into my specific love equation that lets me know if we belong together or not.

  • Surfboard
  1. Look at my hot body
  2. Look at my hot body holding this hot surfboard
  3. Imagine me surfing
  4. Are you imagining a hot Australian guy like Chris Hemsworth.
  5. Now close your eyes and think of him while we…

I mean… It’s cool. It’s hot. If you actually know how to work it and don’t fall off, I’m in.

  • Selfie

Please no. All I’m imagining is you, alone, in your room, trying 6 different poses to get that selfie just right… Nah

  • Animals

Here I want to highlight the grant amount of cute doggy and kitty pictures that float around Tinder and other social media love apps. It’s cute. Especially since you KNOW we will give you a like SIMPLY because it would be downright RUDE to turn down such an amazingly cute animal. I have no idea what the guy in the pictures looks like but GOSH you found a cute animal to take a picture with (because most of them aren’t yours anyway)

  • Jumping in front of cool travel spots

Wow, you travel. Welcome to 2018. Everybody’s been to Thailand. Go to the moon and I’ll be impressed. Or better yet go to Wisconsin (no offense to Wisconsin it just has a nice ring to the name and I’m not sure it’s a huge Instagram spot if it is I’m sorry).

  • Musical instruments

Aka. the guitar. Aka. wanna hear me play John Mayer? DO I???!? If you actually play the guitar (like the surfboard) that’s hot. If you’re trying to fake who you are, just don’t. I’ll find out sooner or later anyway.

  • The funny note

Finally! Some personality! I want to know who YOU are, not the Tinder robot you created while dreaming of all the hot girls this profile will get you. Be weird, be sassy, be ironic (again I have to warn you I do tend to have a weird taste in men so this may not apply to you all).

  • The “oh look I wear glasses sometimes” picture

“I can be hot. And sexy. And nerdy. Anything you want.” *****WARNING**** Major fetish reveal coming up… I love glasses. Those big nerdy hipster, spiderman, superman all man glasses. So please don’t think this is a bad thing. Also… you know once the glasses come off…

And last but not least. This is not a picture I know that but gosh. The importance and difference it makes must not to be forgotten…

  • The profile text

YAS! If you can write a good, original, funny, somewhat creepy in a charming way profile text then I am yours. All the previous judgments and assumptions I had about you before. POOF evaporates. Just like that. You must be a BLAST to hang out with and I will do my best to consider it before I after 15 minutes of swiping decide that love is hopeless and I should just buy a cat or a turtle.. Where was I? Oh yeah. If you can catch me in those 15 minutes of love and hope, WOW well done you!

So yeah. I guess that was it for me.
Now I can go back to stare at strangers I will never meet, but perhaps one day will marry. What a great world we live in.

Till next time.

Ps. I have no idea who that guy in the picture is. Is was the first thing to come up when I googled Tinder pictures. Sorry handsome but unknown fellow. This isn’t pointed at you I promise.

Funny, Karoline's Blog, Written Words

Roskilde Festival 2014 vs 2018

HVAD SÅ ROSKILDEEEEE!!!!

Ja tak. Så er jeg kommet hjem fra en vild og voldsom uge på Roskilde.
Meen? Var det ligeså fedt og voldsomt som da jeg sidste gang var afsted i 2014.
Har jeg ændret mig eller har festivalen.
Let’s dive in.

– Tøjet

2014: Måske var jeg bare klam men jeg husker det som om ALLE tog deres grimmeste tøj på og stank som jeg ved ikke hvad hele ugen. Bad var ikke meget omtalt og to i løbet af ugen var rigeligt. Man havde ironiske bøllehatte på (inden de blev seje), morfars gamle striktrøje og smadret H&M tøj på man kunne kyle ud efter. Men det var okay. For vi var fælles om det. Bæltetasken var praktisk og havde en formål (ikke få dine ting stjålet). Den var ikke en del af et sæt.

2018: Wow, wow wow. Hvilket modeshow. Hvilket rent hår. Hvilken duft (sådan næsten da). Jeg var overrasket over hvor godt folk så ud. Planlagte outfits, deres pæneste kjoler klemt ned i rygsækken og solbrillen på plads. Intet var tilfældigt. Hvilket er lidt ærgeligt. Vi kan altid se godt ud. Er det ikke fedt at være grim bare en enkelt uge om året 😉

– Mobiler

2014: Smartphones var der, selvfølgelig var de det. Men jeg husker dem slet ikke (måske forbi jeg ikke havde en). De var ikke tilstede. Folk efterlod dem derhjemme i frygt for at de blev nappet. Man fandt sin gamle Nokia 6210 frem og løb op til opladerstanden hver anden dag for at få den opladt over natten. “Men hvad så hvis folk ville have fat på dig” tænker du? Surt show, de måtte vente. Og man måtte pænt skrive tilbage “Sorry den var til opladning”. Man var fri. Mere villig til at møde nye mennesker, spørge om ting, være i nuet. Men det er vist en længere samtale.

2018: Smartphones alle vegne. De bedste instaposes, de sjoveste stories, stirren i mobilen, afhængigheden, akavetheden reddet pga. den sorte skærm foran dig. Øv. Der røg lidt af fællesskabet. Man kan jo ikke leve uden den efterhånden. Derfor kom Volt. Så du kan få en ny opladt powerbank en gang i døgnet så du ALDRIG skal opleve den rædselsfulde oplevelse at gå hen til en person, kigge dem i øjnene, og spørge om vej til Arena. For du har din app. Du har dit google maps. Du har Tinder så kærligheden i virkeligheden er også overvurderet. Du skal tjekke likes. Osv. osv. Ikke at jeg er imod smartphones eller noget…

 

– Alderen

2014: Let’s be real. Jeg var naturligvis yngre i 2014. Lige blevet student, ankom fuld, uden stemme og klar til at fyre den af. 20 år, single og ready to mingle. Intet kunne stoppe mig. Man drak sig bare ned hver aften for så sov man hurtigere og tømmermænd var ikke et begreb jeg kendte til. Tror endda det var det år jeg blev gift med en nordmand. Men det er en anden historie.

2018: 24 år. Fuldtidsarbejde, relativt mere fornuftig, tidligt i seng for at være klar til næste dag. Disse er ting jeg er stolte af, men bestemt ikke ord jeg forbandt med Roskilde Festival. Men dette år var det sandt. Jeg sagde glædeligt ja til at arbejde 7 ud af festivalens 8 dage i 7,5 time om dagen. Men når man stadig er 24 år, single og alt det der, så vil man stadig gerne nyde det. Og det var der også tid til.

Men kan vi lige snakke om hvor unge folk er. Der er jo 17-årige piger i bikini der spiller fodbold i sæbevand… Nu lyder jeg gammel, det ved jeg godt. Men min søde fremtidige datter skal bestemt ikke på Roskilde som 17 år. Især ikke når jeg tænker på mit første år på Roskilde som 17 år… Siger det bare… Ikke de bedste beslutninger der blev truffet der.

Men i år var jeg fornuftig. Og træt. Åh så træt hver aften. Jeg frøs. Og blev ædru og ville hjem og sove i min eget rene telt i mediecampen hvor der var stille. Men det er fint. Vi bliver alle gamle og vi kan ikke blive ved med at drikke hjernen ud og løbet forvirret rundt med en ølpong i den ene hånd og toiletpapir i den anden mens man desperat leder efter et toilet eller sine venner eller sin bøllehat eller hvad hulen man ellers lavede dengang var man 17-20 år. Åh det var tider.

 

-Mad

2014: Pesto, rugbrød, minut-nudler, mere pesto. Sådan der. Ugen er reddet. Alle ved jo at en 3 kroners minut-nudler virkelig ligger en god solid bund inden man drikker 24 øl.

2018: Dixieburger, kylling i Karry, uhh har du hørt om det der sushi sted. Sagde du 108 kr for en ris-ret. Ja okay så pyt…. Av av av. Maden er dyr på Roskilde. Men jeg kan simpelthent ikke længere orke at slæbe dåsemakrel osv med på Roskilde. Men så er det jo godt der rent faktisk er et super godt udvalg hele ugen. Ærligt, det er nok det mest rigtige mad jeg har fået på en uge hele året.

 

 

Jeg tror det vi sammen kan konstatere er, at måske er det ikke så meget Roskilde Festival der har ændret sig. Måske er det bare mig der har gennemgået den ting som Peter Pan frygter mest. Adulthood… Just kidding, er der ikke helt endnu, men jeg nærmer mig og det tror jeg nu også er helt okay. Vi kan ikke alle leve af spand i en uge og tro det ikke har nogen konsekvenser. Det har det nok ikke, men måske ikke gør det hver uge alligevel.

Men lad mig slutte af med at sige. Wow Roskilde Festival er et fantastisk sted. Fantastisk stemning. Fantastiske mennesker. Og det er ligemeget om de nu har flottere tøj på, spiser rigtigt mad og poserer til Instagram. Vi er stadig fælles om det.

Till next year.