Karoline's Blog, Written Words

1. august

Kender du det når man er blevet så såret at man gør alt for ikke at falde igen.

Man tør ikke smile sødt, klæde sig flot eller sige frække ting, for hvad hvis det kunne misforstås. Hvad hvis der var en, der så igennem det hele og ville have dig på trods af det. En der var ligeglad, om du ikke turde ryste med røven eller blinke frækt. En der forstod, hvorfor du gemte dig på dit værelse, mens de andre var ude og lege. Hvorfor det at starte virker umuligt, for så dukker det hele op igen. Alle minderne du har gravet ned, kommer frem og minder dig om, hvor dum du var. Ulykkelig og naiv. Intet kan skjule det mere. Vi gemmer os for at glemme, men husker mere end nogensinde.

Hvis vi ikke tør gå ud, går det aldrig væk. Hvis vi ikke åbner døren, er vi lukket inde for evigt. Jeg vil ud igen, men mangler en hånd. Jeg mangler en stemme, der siger det er okay. Siger han vil gribe mig, for han er ikke som dig. Og så må jeg blot stole på det. Lukke øjnene og lade verden ramme mig endnu en gang. Blink og tæl til tre.

 

Translation: 

Do you know that feeling, when you’re been hurt so much, that you’d do anything to prevent yourself from falling.

When you’re scared to give a sweet smile, dress nicely or say sassy things, for what if it could be misunderstood. What if there was someone, who say through everything and wanted you despite of it. Someone who didn’t care if you were scared to shake your ass or blink at strangers. Someone who understood why you were hiding in your room, while the rest were out playing. Why, starting, seems impossible, for then it will all come back to you. All the memories you’ve hidden, will come back and remind you, how stupid you were. Miserable and naive. Nothing can hide it anymore. We’re hiding to forget, but end up remembering it more than ever.

If we don’t dare to step outside, it will never go away. If we don’t open the door, we’re shut inside forever. I want to go out, but need a hand. I need a voice telling me it’s okay. Tells me he will catch me, for he is not like you. And I must simply trust him blindly. Close my eyes and let the world hit me once again. Blink and count to three.

Karoline's Blog, Written Words

7 april 2016

I want to fall in love. To give someone my eyes, theirs to cherish. I like the sensation of holding someones hands for the first time. To believe that there might be something there. Notice the way their hands feels in yours. If your stomach turns around or leaves you unsteady. How a simple thing as walking and talking is a mindgame and a thing to consider. How do I normally walk? Why do I always bump into him as if I’m drunk?

The thousand butterflies in my stomach are dying. I haven’t been able to give them what they need to embrace their purpose. I only give them false hopes and bad memories. They will soon fly or fade away. I need to find a new person to make them fly. Find a person who lets them feel happiness and love. Another person who doesn’t spend their time in their room thinking of the “what if’s” and “what not’s”. Who cares. This is where you are and how you chose to live. It can be changed as easily as a page can be ripped out of a book. Never to be seen or forgotten.

I want to take a leap of faith. Try something new that’s never been done. At least not for me. Who decided that love was forever and why haven’t we rewritten those words yet. If the plan is to wait till the time is right, then I sure hope you have the patience. The patience to feel a body close to yours, feel a different kind of purpose in life, a different kind of need and love, to plan for two not for one and allow yourself to be hurt.
To feel, what you must feel to know it’s real. That this is real life and not some made up fantasy world. That things can change, not always for the better but they just might. Because who knows which street you’ll turn down or which bus you’ll go on. You have closed yourself for any new opportunities and like a magnet, if you are not showing the right pole, you will never attract a new magnet, but just keep pushing them away. You don’t understand why, but just try to turn things around and you will be amazed at what is waiting for you.

Keep your head up, look approachable, smile and look them in the eyes and tell them exactly what you want. Not what you need, but what you want. That you want them. Want them by your side tonight, tomorrow and forever…