Karoline's Blog

Different types of sex

Sex is great.
Sex is hot.
Sex is fun.
Sex is so many things.

Here are the types of sex I’ve discovered in my 24 years.

  • The first time

Nervous, sweaty hands, not sure where to look or where to hold. The first time is always special. Not only the “first” first time, but also the first time with someone new. Madonna really was right when she sang “Like A Virgin”. It can make or break a relationship. Let’s be honest.
Bonus fact: And no, a one-night-stand doesn’t count as a “first time”. It lacks the build-up and anticipation.

  • The fast one

You have to be somewhere in 10 minutes, but you simply can’t stop yourself. The excitement is taking over and the ticking clock is turning you on. Nothing like a quickie to brighten up your day. And cheeks. Don’t worry you red face will be back to normal soon. Just cross your fingers, it’s before you enter your grandma’s house.

  • The loving one

My favorite. Or actually, wait I’m not sure which one is my favorite. But let me just say… I thought this was only possible with someone you love. But I guess love can be faked for one night, just like sex can be faked forever. The tender looks, soft touches, loooooong foreplay, sweet kisses planted on every inch of your body. And don’t forget the staring into each other’s eyes as if they hold the manuscript to the last Star Wars movie. Or the secrets of the world. Whatever you want to find, it’s right there in your lover’s eyes, which is why it’s impossible for you to look away. Ahh so cute.

  • Sex with your ex 

It can be fun. It can bring back great memories. But what’s the worst it can bring you other than STD’s. Yes. Feelings. That’s the thing about sex. Or feelings. No matter how far you run, they’re always going to come creeping up on you. Telling you, that you need them. That you won’t be happy without them. Actually, add exes to this metaphor. Anyway, I’m not saying don’t do it. It might make you realize you don’t actually want them anymore or that you do. It’s quite an eye-opening experience. Just guard your heart.

  • The sweaty one

Hot-hot-hot sweat, dripping down my back. No need to go to the gym the day after. This is all the workout you need. And might I add a tad bit more fun than the treadmill or spinning class. You’re being thrown around /or throwing them around, whatever you want. The limps get lost. Breathing is closing in. It seems like this night/bed/ morning is never ending and it feels goooood. Remember to have a great soundtrack for these kinds of encounters.

  • The last time

Ouch. You know it’s the last time. Either you just broke it off or one of you is leaving the country for (basically) ever. This one hurts. But in a good way. You try to memorize all the little things in your head. (cliché coming) Take mental pictures for a rainy day (Can’t say I didn’t warn you). You grip tightly thinking that it will change faith, but nothing can. It’s a beautiful, tragic mess.

  • The one before you say I love you

The words are almost falling out over your lips without you opening them. Your eyes are screaming it, but thankfully it doesn’t count, till you actually say those three little words out loud. It’s a bit more desperate and memorable than just any loving sex. It the big one before the big speech. Who will say it first? Will they say it back? Will this be our last time. Oh god. Too much pressure to handle.

  • The one before you break up

It’s in the air. You’ve felt it around. This isn’t going to last long and with long I mean the end of the night. But before you say THOSE words out loud you might as well get something out of it. So you have sex. Not exactly angry sex, or sad sex. Just a raging, agressive, sexy sexy kind of sex. Cuz who cares anymore. You’re going to break it off anyway. It might be the best you ever had, but don’t let that fool you into not breaking up. Just enjoy it while you have it.

  • The outdoors one

Uhh. Scary and thrilling. Not the best sex necessarily, but it’ll be great for when you play “Never Have I Ever” with your friends. And it is quite sexy/terrifying thinking you might get caught at any moment. But you do it anyway. Remember that this comes in many different forms. Beach, sand, public toilet, forest, pool, bar table somewhere on a what you thought was an abandoned bar in Cambodia. At least that’s what my friend told me…

  • The one night stand

I’ve recently started a study in this particular one. I realized I didn’t have enough facts to talk about it and boy let’s just say we changed that. So now I am a somewhat expect. Proud of it or not, I will claim that title. So these ones vary as well. But one thing is true for all of them. They will never feel as good as when you’re with someone you love.
Now that we got that out of the way, let me just say it can be quite fun, very awkward, super impersonal, empowering and almost romantic. The one night stand can be exactly what you want it to be. It can lead you to hours of self-hate if you let it. Or allow you to write hot steamy novels or sweet loving poetry. You wear the pants in this one.

  • The impersonal one

Hi.
Hi.
You’ve barely introduced each other before the clothes are off and bam then you’re done. Sure it was nice and all. But not for me. Call me needy, but I quite like the whole personal aspect of sex. But who am I to judge. I’m sure a lot of people prefer this one. Less messy with way fewer feelings. If you don’t have their number, how can you drunk dial them? Right?

  • The sex-buddy

Fun. Easy. If there truly are no feelings involved it’s the perfect fit. Best buddies. Best way to blow off steam without getting involved with someone. No meeting the parents. No arguments. Just sex. Untill you know. One of you gets feelings…

 

Now go out there my young ones.
And enjoy it.
Experience your own types of sex.
Have fun!
I know I will.

Blog, Karoline's Blog

What I want for Christmas and what it really means

Hi, everyone and happy early Christmas.
What a beautiful time we’re heading towards and let me just tell you. I can’t wait.

I’m always running late on handing over my wish-list so this year I thought I would fake my “adulthoodness” and finish it before 20th December.

I’m just going to warn you. I started this post off thinking it would be fun and cute. But it’s going to be pretty damn deep. Just warning you, so you can’t say at the end that I totally killed your buzz, cuz I most definitely will. And it will be honest. I’m not even sure if I’m confident enough to actually post it. But I mean I published a whole poetry collection with my deepest diary thoughts about love, so I don’t really think I have anything to hide anymore.

Stuff I want for Christmas:

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1 . A salt and pepper set

This is going to sound sorta sad. But I’ve had the same salt set (I broke the pepper) for 4 years. Ever since I moved away from home actually. I guess I never really thought about me not having a smart handy pepper for my guest. And I always thought my salt was cute and funny. Let me explain. My salt is an ugly ceramic thing I painted on when I was about 8. It has a sun, fish, and clouds on it. And trust me when I say this. I do not have any talents in the drawing area.

What this really means: Maybe it’s time to grow up. I am 24 years old, have a full-time job, but still choose to live like a student. Treat yourself and get a NICE set of salt and pepper. In reality, I’ll prob end up buying a cute panda hugging set, but you know. Small steps and all that!

2. Update to my CD collection

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I collect CDs and I’m proud of that. But is that the truth? I used to collect them and spend a LOT of money on it. Now it’s much easier just putting on Spotify and it’s free. But come on Karoline. It’s your passion. It’s their passion! You should support them(the artists). This may also have something to do with my laziness in trying to find new cool music. The truth is I’ve gotten old and grew and prefer to listen to the same 4 CDs on replay. BORING! Life is about trying new things and finding a new soundtrack to your life. Now go on!

What this really means: Don’t get stuck just because you’re getting older. Sure you know what you like now and have a twisted idea that life is supposed to get boring and full of routines. But who says that has to be true for you. And also buy the CDs otherwise your collection is a shitty one!

3. Personal cleaner and maid, who will fix my life and also make delicious food

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Hmm. That sure sounds nice. Can you imagine never having to clean up your own mess anymore? Not having to cook scrambled egg’s for the fifth time this week, but eat proper food and actually have a plan for the day. Well. I guess Santa can’t really help me with this. This is on me. So just do it. Put on your new CD and get to work. Learn how to make proper food, get into a habit of putting things in their spot right away and perhaps one day you don’t even need a maid.

What this really means: I’m sick of living like a homeless person. JK. No, but really. I need to “adult it up” again and start making smart choices. That means NOT having a bombed room 5/7 days and freaking out about my life. Wait that wasn’t even in there. Guess I just wanted to add it to the list. It might also just mean that I miss my mom.

4. Noah Centineo

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I guess this one is quite obvious. Have you seen him! Gorgeous. But in all seriousness. How many Christmas songs have been written about dreaming of a one night stand. Or fantasizing about the hot guy at the bar, whom you don’t remember the day after. The emotionally unavailable guy who texts you 1-3 times a week depending on his mood. The 45 poses and outfits to get that PERFECT Insta-post, just so he will remember you’re alive. Nope. It’s not all that it’s made out to be. I want the Michael Bublé, Mistletoe, Santa Tell Me -kinda love. The one where you know exactly what to get them for Christmas (not a perfume or cologne, but something so creepily cute and romantic all at the same time). And I wouldn’t mind if that someone happens to be Noah.

What this really means: Do I really have to explain it to you? It’s cold. I’m bored. I want someone whom I actually like, to sit next to me, hold my hand and watch Love Actually three times in a row. That’s the dream.

5. More money for heating

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This can be split into two. I want more money (aka. I want to spend less). I am FREEZING in my apartment. Not quite such a big metaphor but then again kinda. You can make everything into a metaphor. So… Money! Money on my mind. (Hi Sam Smith). I guess we all want this. But I want to find that HUGE black hole where all my money seems to vanish (probably the same place where all the guys I like are hiding). So I want to feel in control and understand my actions ect. ect. And maybe turn up the heating a bit.

What this really means: Stop spending your money on shitty crappy stuff that you don’t need or want. Also, monitor your purchases so you don’t end up feeling bad. Don’t avoid logging into your bank account. The money will be gone either way. Own up to your mistakes and do something about it.

I think that was it for now.

I’ll probably come up with much better wishes later, but here you go. Maybe you’ll get inspired by my great Christmas list!

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Karoline's Blog, Poetry

Happiness

Today I realized a thing.
The only reason I don’t feel happy is because
I won’t let myself feel happy

The only reason I feel lonely is because
I choose to be alone

The only reason I feel single is because
I keep telling everybody that I’m single

That I hate it.

Which is not true.
It’s quite fun.
I quite enjoy the freedom.
The random nights.
The hot, awkward, romantic, sexy and awful kisses.

Each one is a story I treasure.
A time I will miss someday in the future
When I can no longer run around and kiss strangers

Today I learned that if I wish to be happy
I simply have to tell myself to be happy
Because I am
I’ve just hid it under a negative layer of hatred and complaints
because I thought that was more interesting
Because people told me I was too positive
But what is that?
Too positive
That’s a great thing

So if you don’t mind
I’m going to strip those negative layers off
One annoying thought at a time:

I work too much
– yes, but only cause you like your job

I never get anything done
– no, because you stare into your phone all day

I will never find a boyfriend
– maybe you should go on a date

I am so lonely
– no, you never answer your friend or accept their invitations

I will die alone
– you isolate yourself out of boredom

Today I learned a lot
I learned how to grow and move on
I learned how to stop the negative stream of thought

I’m quite excited about tomorrow
Some changes are good

And I can’t wait for this one!

Karoline's Blog

Pictures on Tinder

I have horrible taste in men. I’m just saying. As I sit here, wasting my time away by swipes my finger from side to side, I’ve started to notice a pattern.
We’re all the same.
We judge people based on 2-3 carefully chosen profile pictures and then have an idea what that person is like.
Gosh, it’s tiring.

But I might as well get something useful out of all the millions of hours I have spent thinking the next swipe will be the one.

So here are some typical Tinder pictures (for guys) and what they actually mean:

  • The baby picture

“I promise I don’t have a baby, but now you know I’m capable of holding one and isn’t that damn adorable. Doesn’t that make me more f***able?” Sure… Well done. But if I read ” not my baby” one more time I’m deleting the app (just kidding I need love in my life and this is the only one I can use in my bed, while eating icecream).
And if you do have a baby then please let me know before we go out, so I can put that into my specific love equation that lets me know if we belong together or not.

  • Surfboard
  1. Look at my hot body
  2. Look at my hot body holding this hot surfboard
  3. Imagine me surfing
  4. Are you imagining a hot Australian guy like Chris Hemsworth.
  5. Now close your eyes and think of him while we…

I mean… It’s cool. It’s hot. If you actually know how to work it and don’t fall off, I’m in.

  • Selfie

Please no. All I’m imagining is you, alone, in your room, trying 6 different poses to get that selfie just right… Nah

  • Animals

Here I want to highlight the grant amount of cute doggy and kitty pictures that float around Tinder and other social media love apps. It’s cute. Especially since you KNOW we will give you a like SIMPLY because it would be downright RUDE to turn down such an amazingly cute animal. I have no idea what the guy in the pictures looks like but GOSH you found a cute animal to take a picture with (because most of them aren’t yours anyway)

  • Jumping in front of cool travel spots

Wow, you travel. Welcome to 2018. Everybody’s been to Thailand. Go to the moon and I’ll be impressed. Or better yet go to Wisconsin (no offense to Wisconsin it just has a nice ring to the name and I’m not sure it’s a huge Instagram spot if it is I’m sorry).

  • Musical instruments

Aka. the guitar. Aka. wanna hear me play John Mayer? DO I???!? If you actually play the guitar (like the surfboard) that’s hot. If you’re trying to fake who you are, just don’t. I’ll find out sooner or later anyway.

  • The funny note

Finally! Some personality! I want to know who YOU are, not the Tinder robot you created while dreaming of all the hot girls this profile will get you. Be weird, be sassy, be ironic (again I have to warn you I do tend to have a weird taste in men so this may not apply to you all).

  • The “oh look I wear glasses sometimes” picture

“I can be hot. And sexy. And nerdy. Anything you want.” *****WARNING**** Major fetish reveal coming up… I love glasses. Those big nerdy hipster, spiderman, superman all man glasses. So please don’t think this is a bad thing. Also… you know once the glasses come off…

And last but not least. This is not a picture I know that but gosh. The importance and difference it makes must not to be forgotten…

  • The profile text

YAS! If you can write a good, original, funny, somewhat creepy in a charming way profile text then I am yours. All the previous judgments and assumptions I had about you before. POOF evaporates. Just like that. You must be a BLAST to hang out with and I will do my best to consider it before I after 15 minutes of swiping decide that love is hopeless and I should just buy a cat or a turtle.. Where was I? Oh yeah. If you can catch me in those 15 minutes of love and hope, WOW well done you!

So yeah. I guess that was it for me.
Now I can go back to stare at strangers I will never meet, but perhaps one day will marry. What a great world we live in.

Till next time.

Ps. I have no idea who that guy in the picture is. Is was the first thing to come up when I googled Tinder pictures. Sorry handsome but unknown fellow. This isn’t pointed at you I promise.

Karoline's Blog

Demands for future lovers

When I was younger, finding a boyfriend was so easy.

He just had to be cute and popular. Make me laugh and like my friends.
Lately, it seems like a different story. As if there are too many factors and demands to think about. Too many checkboxes to check off before you will even consider dating that person.

Here are the new considerations I have when deciding if I like someone or not (which is also stupid seeing that you can’t choose who you like. It just happens. But when you’re single and bored this is what you do. Consider everyone you see or know)

  1. Last name. I never thought about this. But I obviously want my future husband to have a beautiful last name that goes well with my name as well. I can’t be called Karoline Kooler Karlsen or something weird like that. The initials just don’t really have a nice tone…
  2. Children. Does he want them? When does he want them? If he’s much older than me, he prob wants them waaay sooner than I. I’m “only” 24″ so still have a few years before I want to start considering that. But if he’s 30, I’d worry it’s on his mind NOW. But then again if he’s much younger I’d have to wait TOO long.. Gosh.
  3. Age. Which made me think of age. I want someone I can talk about my childhood with, but also want him to be mature and have an adult job. So a bit older than me.
  4. Job. Jobs weren’t even really a subject when we were younger. If he worked at the cinema it was a plus cuz then you could get free popcorn. Now it’s more complicated than that. I have a tendency to fall for creative types. Aka. unemployed boys. Not men. Not suit-owning, let me treat you, let’s go to Paris kind of guys. I don’t care if they’re crazy rich, that’s not it. But I want the freedom to be able to do what we want to do. I have my own money, and I want him to know how to handle his money as well. This seems like quite a big subject lately.
  5. Family. I love my family. I want my family to love my future husband. I want my future husband to love my family. I want us all to be ONE BIG FAMILY. You get me. Right?
  6. Timing. Gosh… If my best friend has a baby in two years, then I need to have a baby in two years cuz those kids have to either be best friends or get married. It’s all about timing. My kids have to play with my brother’s kids so we have to time that as well. I know we can’t choose when to fall in love and all that, but gosh wouldn’t that be nice.
  7. Hobbies. This is a hard one. Opposites attract and all that. But what if he likes pop and I like heavy metal (killing stereotypes and all that. It’s very inn in 2018). What if he wants to watch action movies and I love musicals. He hates traveling and I can’t breathe without it. Some things are just hard to choose and live without. We have to time them just right, so we like some of the same things, but aren’t the EXACT same person.
  8. Country. Where should we live? Where does he live? Where do we want to work? Should we move around? Stay grounded? Get bored? I don’t even know where I’m heading with this one. I guess I just have a slight feeling I’ll end up with someone from another country (really Karoline what makes you think that. Maybe the fact that you haven’t dated a Danish guy since you were 17).
  9. Way of life. Is he a morning person? Super fit and will blame me and my Nutella obsession (then I obviously won’t marry him but you get it). Is he cheap or does he spend all his money on stupid things? Will he force me to throw out all my CD’s….. Please don’t…!
  10. I guess the thing is. Will we fit well in the long run? Will we be able to make each other happy? Laugh every day. Be able to be good parents while still remembering to love each other. Be able to grow up and get wrinkly and still look into those eyes and think of that special day when we swiped right. Or locked eyes in the metro. Or bumped into each other drunk at a music festival.

I suppose all these thoughts keep running through my brain which makes the first date quite stressed. I know you can’t know till you know. That I don’t have to meet the one right now and I can just have fun and meet him when the time is right.

But am I the only one who has these thoughts. The only one who considers every single thing about a guy before I allow my heart to fall hard. For if it’s not right, not perfect, is it even worth it?
Yes. Yes, it is. Each person leads us closer to the right one.
Hopefully one day I’ll find someone whom I can check all the important boxes. Not in a perfect way. But in the way that’s perfect for us.

Karoline's Blog, Written Words

#adulting

Adulthood is a funny destination. You never truly know when you have arrive. What age you should be. If you have to come alone, with friends or just show up when you feel ready.

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about adulthood. Running towards it. Running away from it. Not really sure how I feel about the term.

When I was younger, adulthood was at 23. When you had your life together, big apartment with your one truly love whom you could travel the world with before you got married and started popping out children.

Here in reality, my 24th birthday is creeping in on me and I’m nowhere near that dream. I was so afraid of getting older that I booked a flight to the “party central” city of Budapest. If I’m not home, it’s not really happening.

I suppose we can’t choose whether or not we grow up. I know plenty of “grownups” with kids and everything, who are by no means “adults”. And that’s okay. But that doesn’t mean we should all run about and praise Peter Pan. There’s some beauty to be held in adulthood. Some excitement to being referred to by this name (yes I just watched Call Me By Your Name, and it’s amazing).

Which is why I want to tell you about my experiences as a tween turned teen turned twenty something turned quarterlife crisis turned adulting turning adult.

We will go far together. We will cry. We will laugh. You will laugh and cry because you see my pain. You feel it too. We will all laugh because of how pathetic we are but it’s okay. We will drink wine and eat garlic bread. And maybe one day… we will grow up and spend our time more wisely than on writing this ….

But for now let’s just stay in this beautiful moment that is #adulting.

See you soon!