Twenty four

I guess I thought life would be different at twenty four

That I wouldn’t wake up with the smell of wine stuck between my teeth

That I would have gotten sick of kissing strangers

Sick of thinking of the same old love

Sick of regretting the same things

Twenty four seemed like the age I would have my life together

Would know my goals and aim for them

Clean my room and always take out the trash

Always wear high heels for birthdays

Always look my best

But I feel just like I did at nineteen

And twenty two

Feel confused and tired and tipsy

Horny but looking for love

Late but running for the train

The train to adulthood

I can still catch it if I just wear an unstained dress

If I just pick one solid guy and make myself fall for him

If I just choose one job career and pull through even though I hate every minute of it

Then maybe I will someday reach that famous next level

Maybe then I won’t think twenty four is that bad

Maybe I will think back at it and smile.


Love or loneliness

19 August 00:40

People always talk about love or lust.

But what about love or loneliness.

Do we ever just stay with someone just because we’re scared to be alone.

For the comfort?

You know when it’s love.

You know when you can’t stop feeling the sparks flying and the bobbles flowing.

But what if it’s just not happening. Something is not right.

But you stay with them because it’s better than not having someone there.

Better than sleeping alone all those night.

Comfort is a nice place but also a scary one. You quickly get used to it and it’s really hard to get out of.

Suddenly you start mistaking comfort and safety with love.

Suddenly you can’t picture you’re life without that someone next to you simply because you like the warm breath on your neck.

It could be anybody.

It just happened to be you cuz I got tired of looking.

Got sick of the game before I made it till the end.

So I stopped a halfway and tricked myself into believing I had won first prize.

But I didn’t.

Suddenly one day you wake up and realize you stayed for all the wrong reasons.

For the touch,

the kind words,

the attention,

the eagerness,

the accessory,

the role.

But it’s not him.

You can’t fake love.

You can’t fake real feelings.

Lust is easy to fake.

Comfort is hard to find.

But love it forever and once you find it you’ll know it.

– I don’t want to fall in love with comfort