Swipe, swipe, swipe. No thoughts entering my mind, no feelings involved. Cute dog, cute nose, ugly face. Cool view, nice tat, crazy eyes.
All these things run through my mind at the speed of lighting and before I know it, I’ve crushed more hearts than intended to in my entire life. Not caring about the person. Seeing only the picture. Seeing only an image of a human being, that might exist but most likely doesn’t. I don’t want to think of you as a person. I want to swipe. Right, left, left, right. It’s a game. It’s a competition. Who gets the most matches. Who likes these precicely choosen pictures and ironic text I have created for all the world to see. Sex, sex, sex. Looking for something serious. Left. Looking for someone to love my dog. Right. Looking for love. Left. U up for fun. Right.
Decisions without feelings. Brain not working. Impulses win. The tweeting feeling deep inside my body. This is wrong. This is not right. But it’s so fun. Boost. Boost. Confidence boost. “Hey what’s up girl”. Ignore. Left, left, left. What are you feeling on the other side of the screen? Loosing the game. Loosing at life. I should say yes to them all. Boost. Boost. Confidence boost. But it’s all a lie. All fake. Like all else. It’s not real. But then you meet. And suddenly it’s all very real. What did I say. No, I didn’t say that. Didn’t promise that. Go away, you are not real. You are not suppose to be here. Here in reality. You are fake. You don’t belong in the actual world.
I am winning. I am loosing. Who are you anyway. I don’t care about you or your siblings. Tell me something new. Surprise me.
Then I realised it. The judgement my mind puts on these people from one single photo. Bad in bed, boring, common, fuck-boy, mammas-boy, pretentious, just wants head, no good for me, too good for me, ugly, would talk about football, would talk about drugs, would introduce me to his mother, would introduce me to his dick…
But that’s not all I realised. I picture myself with them. Impossible. I picture them being actual human beings. Impossible. I picture them smiling and giving their mom a hug. No, no, no, you’re not real.
You don’t know these people. You don’t know a thing. It’s all a game. It’s all a lie. We’re all in on it, but what if we’re not. Where are the rules. I need to see them. I want to know. I don’t understand this game. Let me be. Let me join. I see nothing. I swipe. Right, right, right. Afraid to hurt. Afraid to care. No, no, no. Ignore the messages. I don’t want you. I want the boost. Give me the boost. It’s gone. Come back. No, no, no. It’s gone. So are you. So is this game we had. No more. Left.