I want to fall in love. To give someone my eyes, theirs to cherish. I like the sensation of holding someones hands for the first time. To believe that there might be something there. Notice the way their hands feels in yours. If your stomach turns around or leaves you unsteady. How a simple thing as walking and talking is a mindgame and a thing to consider. How do I normally walk? Why do I always bump into him as if I’m drunk?
The thousand butterflies in my stomach are dying. I haven’t been able to give them what they need to embrace their purpose. I only give them false hopes and bad memories. They will soon fly or fade away. I need to find a new person to make them fly. Find a person who lets them feel happiness and love. Another person who doesn’t spend their time in their room thinking of the “what if’s” and “what not’s”. Who cares. This is where you are and how you chose to live. It can be changed as easily as a page can be ripped out of a book. Never to be seen or forgotten.
I want to take a leap of faith. Try something new that’s never been done. At least not for me. Who decided that love was forever and why haven’t we rewritten those words yet. If the plan is to wait till the time is right, then I sure hope you have the patience. The patience to feel a body close to yours, feel a different kind of purpose in life, a different kind of need and love, to plan for two not for one and allow yourself to be hurt.
To feel, what you must feel to know it’s real. That this is real life and not some made up fantasy world. That things can change, not always for the better but they just might. Because who knows which street you’ll turn down or which bus you’ll go on. You have closed yourself for any new opportunities and like a magnet, if you are not showing the right pole, you will never attract a new magnet, but just keep pushing them away. You don’t understand why, but just try to turn things around and you will be amazed at what is waiting for you.
Keep your head up, look approachable, smile and look them in the eyes and tell them exactly what you want. Not what you need, but what you want. That you want them. Want them by your side tonight, tomorrow and forever…