Blog, Karoline's Blog

What I want for Christmas and what it really means

Hi, everyone and happy early Christmas.
What a beautiful time we’re heading towards and let me just tell you. I can’t wait.

I’m always running late on handing over my wish-list so this year I thought I would fake my “adulthoodness” and finish it before 20th December.

I’m just going to warn you. I started this post off thinking it would be fun and cute. But it’s going to be pretty damn deep. Just warning you, so you can’t say at the end that I totally killed your buzz, cuz I most definitely will. And it will be honest. I’m not even sure if I’m confident enough to actually post it. But I mean I published a whole poetry collection with my deepest diary thoughts about love, so I don’t really think I have anything to hide anymore.

Stuff I want for Christmas:

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1 . A salt and pepper set

This is going to sound sorta sad. But I’ve had the same salt set (I broke the pepper) for 4 years. Ever since I moved away from home actually. I guess I never really thought about me not having a smart handy pepper for my guest. And I always thought my salt was cute and funny. Let me explain. My salt is an ugly ceramic thing I painted on when I was about 8. It has a sun, fish, and clouds on it. And trust me when I say this. I do not have any talents in the drawing area.

What this really means: Maybe it’s time to grow up. I am 24 years old, have a full-time job, but still choose to live like a student. Treat yourself and get a NICE set of salt and pepper. In reality, I’ll prob end up buying a cute panda hugging set, but you know. Small steps and all that!

2. Update to my CD collection

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I collect CDs and I’m proud of that. But is that the truth? I used to collect them and spend a LOT of money on it. Now it’s much easier just putting on Spotify and it’s free. But come on Karoline. It’s your passion. It’s their passion! You should support them(the artists). This may also have something to do with my laziness in trying to find new cool music. The truth is I’ve gotten old and grew and prefer to listen to the same 4 CDs on replay. BORING! Life is about trying new things and finding a new soundtrack to your life. Now go on!

What this really means: Don’t get stuck just because you’re getting older. Sure you know what you like now and have a twisted idea that life is supposed to get boring and full of routines. But who says that has to be true for you. And also buy the CDs otherwise your collection is a shitty one!

3. Personal cleaner and maid, who will fix my life and also make delicious food

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Hmm. That sure sounds nice. Can you imagine never having to clean up your own mess anymore? Not having to cook scrambled egg’s for the fifth time this week, but eat proper food and actually have a plan for the day. Well. I guess Santa can’t really help me with this. This is on me. So just do it. Put on your new CD and get to work. Learn how to make proper food, get into a habit of putting things in their spot right away and perhaps one day you don’t even need a maid.

What this really means: I’m sick of living like a homeless person. JK. No, but really. I need to “adult it up” again and start making smart choices. That means NOT having a bombed room 5/7 days and freaking out about my life. Wait that wasn’t even in there. Guess I just wanted to add it to the list. It might also just mean that I miss my mom.

4. Noah Centineo

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I guess this one is quite obvious. Have you seen him! Gorgeous. But in all seriousness. How many Christmas songs have been written about dreaming of a one night stand. Or fantasizing about the hot guy at the bar, whom you don’t remember the day after. The emotionally unavailable guy who texts you 1-3 times a week depending on his mood. The 45 poses and outfits to get that PERFECT Insta-post, just so he will remember you’re alive. Nope. It’s not all that it’s made out to be. I want the Michael Bublé, Mistletoe, Santa Tell Me -kinda love. The one where you know exactly what to get them for Christmas (not a perfume or cologne, but something so creepily cute and romantic all at the same time). And I wouldn’t mind if that someone happens to be Noah.

What this really means: Do I really have to explain it to you? It’s cold. I’m bored. I want someone whom I actually like, to sit next to me, hold my hand and watch Love Actually three times in a row. That’s the dream.

5. More money for heating

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This can be split into two. I want more money (aka. I want to spend less). I am FREEZING in my apartment. Not quite such a big metaphor but then again kinda. You can make everything into a metaphor. So… Money! Money on my mind. (Hi Sam Smith). I guess we all want this. But I want to find that HUGE black hole where all my money seems to vanish (probably the same place where all the guys I like are hiding). So I want to feel in control and understand my actions ect. ect. And maybe turn up the heating a bit.

What this really means: Stop spending your money on shitty crappy stuff that you don’t need or want. Also, monitor your purchases so you don’t end up feeling bad. Don’t avoid logging into your bank account. The money will be gone either way. Own up to your mistakes and do something about it.

I think that was it for now.

I’ll probably come up with much better wishes later, but here you go. Maybe you’ll get inspired by my great Christmas list!

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Poetry

Giggly

How can you make me feel so nervous

Like I’ve got nothing to say

Like all I say is silly

Giggly

And childish

I want to make you smile

Make you run away

And never look back

That way I won’t fall in love again

Won’t get disappointed

Won’t have my heart broken again

But what if I didn’t

What if I actually tried

And showed you the real me

Not the pink haired unicorn girly-girl

The vulnerable quiet insecure one

The one I rarely show the world

For it is easier to put on a show

Than allow others to hurt and judge you

Easier playing the fool

Than who we really are

For what if someone see you

And doesn’t like you

⁃ I really don’t want to fuck this up

Karoline's Blog, Poetry

Happiness

Today I realized a thing.

The only reason I don’t feel happy is because I won’t let myself feel happy.

The only reason I feel lonely is because I choose to be alone.

The only reason I feel single is because I keep telling everybody that I’m single.

That I hate it.

Which is not true. It’s quite fun. I quite enjoy the freedom. The random nights. The hot, awkward, romantic, sexy and awful kisses. Each one is a story I treasure. A time I will miss some day in the future when I can no longer run around and kiss strangers.

Today I learned that if I wish to be happy I simply have to tell myself to be happy. Because I am. I’ve just hid it under a negative layer of hatred and complaints because i thought that was more interesting. Because people told me I was too positive. But what is that? Too positive. That’s a great thing.

So if you don’t mind.

I’m going to strip those negative layers off.

One annoying thought at a time:

I work too much – yes, but only cause you like your job

I never get anything done – no, because you stare into your phone all day

I will never find a boyfriend – maybe you should go on a date

I am so lonely – no, you never answer your friend or accept their invitations

I will die alone – you isolate yourself out of boredom

Today I learned a lot.

I learned how to grow and move on.

I learned how to stop the negative stream of thought.

I’m quite excited about tomorrow.

Some changes are good.

And I can’t wait for this one!

Poetry

Nervous

I am so nervous
Feel it deep in my bones
What if they don’t like it
What if no one shows up

This was suppose to be a big moment for me
Suddenly it’s all about the practicalities
The quantity not quality
The business

I don’t even want to go
I’m not badass
I should be yelling from the rooftops
But find myself crawling into the corner

I don’t want to talk to anyone
Don’t want anyone to know

What was I thinking
Putting all these words into the world
Who is going to care
Who will read them
Appreciate them

⁃ Is it too late to give up?

Poetry

Marketing mess

Hi everybody.

Big news! I’m publishing my very own poetry collection on October 16th. It’s going to be huge for me and I can’t wait.

So lately I have been trying to use Instagram for marketing. I guess I just got kind of sick of it today. The whole selling and earning money aspect. I just wanted to write beautiful and honest poetry that might help someone some day. Do you ever feel like that. Anyway here is my poem about my thoughts of trying to figure out this whole marketing mess. Enjoy!

How do you stand out in a crowd of letters
How do you make them see you for who you really are

Not the cliché they will turn you into
Not for the uncertain laughs they will hand to you

I need to untangle from this marketing mess
Need to remember who I am doing this for
And the answer is me
Not them
Not you

I am helping me and only me by bringing these sentences to life
I rescue myself from the dreaded boredom
I don’t do it for fame
Money
Or acknowledgment
I just couldn’t stop it the words flowing
Running through my body

So I wrote them down
Now here I am
Showing you my best kept secrets
My inner thoughts
And you expect me to make a business out of it
You expect me to sell it like lemonade
I’m not sure I can do it
Not sure I was made for that

I guess I just wanted to share it with you
So here it is

⁃ Hope you’ll enjoy it

Karoline's Blog, Uncategorized

Is a date just a flirty job interview? 

Is a date just a flirty job interview?

“Hi my name is Karoline and I would like to apply for the title as your future girlfriend.
Here is my resumé and background….
Omg I also love to travel! What are the odds?”

Pretty damn high if I’m honest.

I’ve never really been a big dater. The sort of girl who go on many dates. I sorta believe in this thing called faith. When its time the universe will guide me to “the one”.
Or “the next one” before “the one”.

All my previous relationships have happened random. A meet cute, a friend of a friend, a summer vacation etc. Nothing was forced or planned. It was just sort of there.

Today I went on my 6th Tinder date…  I’m neither against nor for the app. Loads of people have found exactly what they wanted to find, that being love or lust.
I suppose I’m just a wee bit romantic and telling my future kids how we met would be a boring story.  “He was pretty hot” or “I sent him a dirty GIF.” And seeing that I’m a storyteller that really won’t do now, will it.

No…
I want the story.

I want the full on “How I met your dad” story:

“It was a cold night in the middle of Serbia. Then out of nowhere there, he was. Your Dad. So handsome. Sitting on a white horse wearing a leather jacket. Hawt….
And then he killed the wolf and saved the village…..
We’re been together ever since.” (insert audience going awww)
– kinda story.

Is that too much to ask?

Well, unfortunately, my friends, family, and hormones are not willing to wait any longer for this great wolf warrior to come along and save me.
Hence Tinder…

I mean if you want to find love in this modern digital world you have to use apps.
At least that’s what everybody keeps telling me.
So I try, give up, delete it, try again and round and round we go.

But today I ended up doing what normal people, looking for love, do. I went on a date.
Maybe I’ve been out of it for too long or had given up beforehand, but it was not a raving success. Sorry to kill your vibe.

I have a weird sort of sixth sense. I know right away, some might say instantly, if a guy is going to play a part in my life.
I know instantly if I like him.

And here I knew it instantly. This is not it. I think he knew it too. There’s nothing wrong with it and its no one’s fault. It’s better to find out right away. We’re all looking for the spark and you can’t really feel if it’s there through text.
In some cases, yeah sure you can. You can tell if you’ll have fun on the date etc.
But that magical spark I’m talking about.
You have to meet.
Have to look them in the eyes.
Hear their voice.
Feel their personality.

Now, what do you do, when you both know it’s not there. Do you just excuse yourself and run off.
No. We’re far too polite to do that. So we do the flirty job interview. You may not actually be flirting, but it just means that you keep the conversation light and “sexy” enough so you’re both reminded that this indeed isn’t a job interview. That the purpose of this meeting was originally to end the day with a kiss. Not a handshake.

We walk and talk. Ask politely about his interest and family. All the while knowing you will never see this person again. Not because they’re not a nice person. Just because they didn’t fit the description you had in mind. The job description.

So what have I learned from this tame date. Not a lot to be honest. ‘Cause even if we had been texting for 3 weeks, this might still have happened.
Feelings are a funny thing. No one quite understands them.

So I’m just going to continue walking around, going on flirty job interviews until my wolf warrior comes along and sweeps me off the ground.

But I will be patient for faith has a great way of surprising us. And we love her for it.
I will be ready for that perfect love to hit me like the bus hit Georgina in Mean Girls.

Fast, hard and uncontrollably.

Because that’s what love is. A beautiful mess.

Much love Karoline

 

 

 

 

Poetry

Dear Facebook

Dear Facebook
Yes it’s me
I’m still alive.

No, I didn’t run away with a Japanese guy
No, I didn’t show you all the amazing things I saw in Japan
I didn’t even tell you I went to Japan

I let you all down
Made you worry
Some of you even called
to ask if I was okay?
If I had a good vacation?

If I’m being honest I just needed a break
I needed a break from being social
So I could actually be social
So I could join the real world

I know you are suppose to write
a big post about it
and tell you all the things
I hate about modern society
and our lack of social skills

But to be honest I was just tired

Tired of wasting my time and regretting it
Tired of thinking about what other people might think
Tired of living my life for someone else

So I didn’t
I just lived and smiled
It wasn’t groundbreaking or revolutionary
I didn’t do it to inspire or preach
I just did it because I felt like it

And when I feel like returning to the online social society
I will
Just like that